Well, it happened.
I mean, I knew it was going to, but I really didn't know when. I figured soon, maybe on my wedding day, but nope. Just this morning.
Wearing my Poppa's Hunting Club XXL T-shirt, it hit me. My wedding day is next weekend...and heaven is really far away.
There was just no attempt in holding back tears as they streamed quickly and heavily, blurring my vision - even as I type this. I thought back on all of the provisions and sacrifices he's made for me in the past. The discipline, the heavy sigh before saying yes to an expensive BCBG dress I just *HAD* to have, the school tuition, etc. He, Mom and Grandmother moved mountains to make sure I had an amazing childhood, despite having divorced parents. They did a phenomenal job. I didn't have an insane trust issue with men, because my Poppa showed me what a trustworthy man looks like. I was confident in myself because my mom instilled a fierceness, Grandmother instilled a nurturing trait with a dash of sass, and Poppa instilled strength and wisdom. Sure, abandonment issues came now & then, as my actual dad lived 3+ hours away my entire childhood, but at the same time, my Poppa never made me feel abandoned. In Sunday school, when you were taught about Jesus' love, it was a mirror image of Poppa's. He was and will always be The Standard of a man in my eyes...but heaven is really far away.
I asked God, "WHY? I need him right now so much."
God said, "No, I need him."
I just quickly saw Pop sitting down in heaven, with children around him, who never had a Poppa. I guess they need him? I really don't know... I have a feeling I had to be separated from my dependency on him to be able to fully depend on Jesus & Justin, as my future husband and provider. And I guess any type of adjustment like that is super painful, but I just never expected this to happen. I never expected Poppa to not be in the front row of my wedding.
Maybe it'll happen again..the total breakdown...it probably will. But today, this morning... it's really tough.
I'm learning to grieve when I need to grieve, but also remember that Jesus' plan is bigger, most necessary and I'm so thankful I had my Poppa and always will have everything he taught me.