I wasn't thankful and God wasn't mad.

The process of grief is strange. I’m new to such a large dose of grief, but I’ve been in counseling enough to know it’s necessary to go through the stages and not try to block it out or ignore it.
This brings me to 11/8/2015.
Walking to church with Justin, I felt slightly anxious and said, “I haven’t had a break down yet and it’s been a week.” “Yeah, I thought about that too,” he said, “But it’s ok if you do and you’re allowed to have all the breakdowns you need.” I knew that and I’m slightly sure I said that because I felt one coming on. I had talked to God a lot over the week, but mainly just asking for peace and comfort.
As we settled into our seats at church and worship started, I felt a lump in my throat. “Everyone, can we just thank God this morning?” said the worship leader and I thought to myself…”I don’t want to.” I didn’t want to thank God. I had just lost a huge part of my heart and I just wasn’t ready to say thank you, even though I wasn’t mad at God, I just didn’t know how to say thank you.
I was whispering the lyrics instead of singing because I wanted to mean them but I knew I couldn’t really sing them with a full heart quite yet. I figured it was time for a talk with God.
Me- “God, I don’t want to thank you right now.”
God- “That’s ok”
Me- “I just want to ask you for healing, but I just don’t know that I want to thank you. But I don’t blame you and I’m not mad at you.”
God- “It’s all part of my plan, ok?”
Me - “I know and I trust you, I just don’t know how to thank you right now. I will praise and worship as much as I can though.. is that ok?”
God - “yes”

*Cue breakdown*

After my meltdown that Justin graciously held me through and wasn’t embarrassed by, I was able to thank God, not for loss, but for understanding.
Thank you, Lord, for knowing my heart and understanding that while I can praise you in the storm because I know you’re good, sometimes I can’t always thank you immediately. Now, on the other side of the conversation with God, I’m thankful. I’m thankful that I can go to my God and be truthful and broken and He handles me with the softest hands and utmost understanding. I’m thankful that He supplied incredible family and supportive friends and boyfriend.
God, Thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to be honest and accepting it with grace and comfort. Thank you for your provision. Thank you for loving me despite this season of grief and confusion. I won’t always understand, but I’ll trust you. Lastly, thank you for not being mad when I didn’t want to thank you.